Lost and Found

So it's been a while since I've posted let alone 'reached out'.  Part of me feels as if I've been treading water the last 14 months at times even holding my breath hoping I don't drown.

When I think about life three short years ago and all the changes that have ensued it's no wonder I felt a bit overwhelmed.  Quitting job of almost 10 years, leaving Seattle, moving to Hawaii, marriage, having twins and moving to Maryland all the while having no resources, friends, nor family to help ease the transition, any transition.

I'm a creature of habit, so moving as such and having such instability in life has rocked me to the core to say the least.  I also realize I NEED GIRLFRIENDS and not only those who I love and adore from days, years past, but girlfriends whom I can interact with daily, in person, share stories, commiserate, support, laugh and drink wine with.

It has been a big gaping hole in my life the last few years and I find myself in a pickle.  I am old(er), don't have time for highschool drama and have become a transplant baby so fitting in and finding friends is tough the older we become in life.  Making friends came so easy earlier in life and now I find myself having to repeatedly go out of my comfort zone and going so far as to accosting a lady at a nearby park and asking her if she wanted a 'play date.'  (She being a new MD resident herself, eagerly agreed thank God.)  It's almost like 'dating' again - which we all I know I hated! :)

Lesson one: I need to get back out there.  I love and miss my childhood, gradeschool, highschool, college and works friends.   I love knowing time, space and distance can pass and we pick up like we've been in contact for years, no judgments, no criticism, just comfort and the knowledge 'they are there.'  However, despite all that, they are miles away with their lives, loves and responsibilities and while I cannot and should not ask for more I have found what I'm missing.  I am missing the hugs, the face-to-face conversation, the mani's and pedi's, the exercising, the wine drinking, the play dates (now), and just 'being there' at a moments notice for someone should I be sick, JA out of town or in need of a friend.  I know I am not meant to be alone on this planet and need to find and cultivate my relationships again. I need to build my a new network, resources, a family, a support system.   I have been broken down into so many pieces and have had to rebuild on my own or with JA's help (which I know is not his comfort zone) and having those relationships in my life is key to my happiness and succes.

Lesson two: Easier said than done.  I did what I always said I'd never do.  I lost myself to babies.  I don't regret it for 5 seconds but I have given everything I have to R and H for the last 14 months that I left nothing for myself, husband, dog, etc.  I finally feel they have a great foundation and after extreme bouts of exhaustion, (depression?), angst, lethargy, happiness, fear, sadness, euphoria, etc I am able to see the light and find some time for me.  I know all the cliches 'you can't give from an empty well' etc...but it just happened.  I am fiercely protective and want the BEST childhood for them as any parent would and well just became consumed and forgot who I was (who Jeremy and I were) pre-babies which can be as detrimental to their upbringing as it would be if I left them so it's time to loosen the reigns a bit....as hard as it will be...it's time.  Again; easier said than done but I'm trying.

Lesson three: home is where you make it.  This is a hard one as my 'home' has always been full of photos, artifacts, personal belongings and the comforts I use to create a sanctuary.  Well living here, in Towson, in temporary housing has been anything but a sanctuary which is probably why I haven't written.  Life is hard here.  All of our stuff is in storage somewhere here (we hope) and are living with 4 spoons, 4 forks, 4 knives, 4 cups etc...We are on the third floor in an apartment which means anytime JA isn't around I have to load up the kids in the stroller and take them down to let the dog out.  We have received numerous noise complaints due to kids feet running amok all the while we hear noise up above until 10 pm.  (R & H go down by 6 and aren't up until 6 so their noise is only during waking hours) meanwhile with with us we hear noise all night long.  I have actually taken to wearing earplugs to bed!  We are located next to a college so we hear partying non-stop, have people parking drunkingly all over the streets and leaving stray crystal encrusted thongs along the walkway.  Awesome.  Even in my wild days at U of O I had the courtesy, decency and morales instilled in me to behave properly vs. screaming at the top of my voice to an apartment that clearly isn't answering.  I have tried to create a home here, for the girls and they seem to be thriving among it all.  JA and I try to remain positive in their presence and laugh when possible which is often with them as of late; thank God for that.
I yearn for the day when we open up those boxes and I can cook a good meal, smell a soft towel, let the dog out to pee, have the girls run on grass in an area that isnt taken over by dog poop and syringes and hear NOTHING at night or when the girls are trying to nap.  It's been such a good lesson in being thankful and grateful for housing.  To us it's temporary (an offer is in as we speak and I'm trying to not get my hopes up but it's hard) while for many this is a permanent.  I could go and on and on but why bother waste my energy....

So those are my lessons as of late. I'm sorry if I haven't responded, written, called back or been 'present'. I'm trying to take care of myself, my family and put one foot in front of the other.  It's easier said that done but I'm resilient.  I will survive as will JA, R, H and Maddie....

More to come...

R&H May 2010

Hearts entwined Twenty fingers, twenty toes, two sweet babies with cheeks of rose. Born on the same day, two gifts from above, lives entwined, two babies to love. ~Author Unknown

January 15th, 2010 - lives forever changed.  Our twin girls were born! We leave for the hospital a couple; come home a family!

Six weeks later I'm just now coming up for air.  It has been everything everyone said and then some.

I have never been so tired, scared, happy, sad, frustrated, confused, lost, loved, full of love and completely in shock and awe of life than I am now!  Did I really just give birth to TWINS!?!??!?!?

Harper Kemp and Rowan James Adkins blessed us with their presence at 10:01 am and 10:02 am respectively.  The c-section was more terrifying than I care to remember and thankfully I had Jeremy's eyes to stare into upon the operating table.  With my arms strapped to the table and a cloth covering from neck down I had no idea what was transpiring minus the tugs, pulls and yanks I felt.  Definitely not the 'beautiful birth story I envisioned' but whatever was needed for the health and safety of all was fine by me.  As soon as Baby A came out I asked 'how is she?  she ok?  she breathing?' and then again those same questions were repeated for Baby B.  

After what seemed like HOURS I was able to hold my sweet wee girls and truly relish in their birth!  I still, as I type cannot believe I have twins!  I feel like I'll 'wake up' one day and it will all have been a dream.

The first few weeks have been brutal.  As I told a newly pregnant friend today I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It is HARD, the hardest work I've ever done.  They don't (unfortunately) send you home from the hospital with a manual on how to raise kids and what to do 'if / when happens.'

I think everyone should become a parent so they can truly understand what their own parents have sacrificed and experienced in their own upbringing.  With that comes a joy like no other.  Just last night as I laid the girls down to bed (for the first time) in the safety of their crib, by the light of the nightlight, music in the background I felt a fierce need to protect and provide for them like no other; to ensure all their hopes and dreams are reached at whatever cost. 

There are no 'sick days', no 'vacation days' and no 'personal days' to be had with kids.  It is a full time, 24/7, round the clock occupation!  What I thought was tough in the professional word does not even come close to this 'job' in all aspects nor does it come near the rewards.  

I got some great words of wisdom for a successful full year of raising kids from a good friend and new father recently that I thought was simple and poignant; 1. keep your kids alive 2. stay married. If you can manage those two things than you've accomplished a great deal.  (Thanks for that friend, you know who you are....)

The blog has taken a bit of a hiatus as I try and get my wits about me but look to this site for future twin updates, posts, laughs, cries, frustrations and joys! 

Thanks for all the advice (fellow twin moms / moms - you ROCK!), well wishes, (MIRACLE BLANKETS), hand-me-downs, calls and support.  I may not have the immediate bandwidth to respond but know they are forever etched in my heart and received with the deepest of thanks!

And to my own mom, with whom without I'd be nothing.  She sacrificed her time, marriage and life to come 'live' with us for a month when the girls were born and I will be forever indebted to her and grateful beyond words.  She truly was / is an angel sent from above and I / we would not have gotten through that first month without her.  Mom, I love you more than words can say....

Here's to hoping for a four hour stretch of sleep soon....

Lara

                Harper                           Rowan

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

I have received this quote from a few different people and come Friday, January 15 at 9.30 am Hawaii time we will experience it first-hand as we welcome our two new wee girls into the world!

I'm flooded with emotions.  While this 'date' can't come soon enough it also almost feels too soon!  I know one is 'never really ready' but am I?  Are we?  I hope and pray these girls arrive healthy and the surgery goes as anticipated.  I am grateful we understand the magnitude of responsibility but we're both a wee bit apprehensive about the life-changing moment we are about to embark on.  I assume these emotions are common and experienced by all first time parents.

Time to dive in, embrace the moment, cherish the 'firsts' and open our hearts.  I can only imagine what is in store but I'm confident with a bit of sense of humor JA and I can and will conquer anything...

Thanks for all your well wishes, thoughts and prayers.  Keep 'em coming.  Let the countdown begin.

Much love,

Lara, Jeremy, A & B

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”

The title is quite apropos as I enter my third trimester with the twins and have begun to focus on all things 'babies' or at least try to...true to form we are in the midst of another house remodel / demolition / carpet rip up, of the upstairs this time, which is prohibiting progress on a nursery however I have come to peace with this aspect knowing that they are not going to care nor notice what their nursery looks like the first few months of life as they will be sleeping, eating and pooping solely according to the nurse in our Infant Care class, so I say demolish away.

IN PROGRESS:

(master bath where tub /shower used to be) (master bath where vanity/sink used to be)

*The house looks pretty friggin' awesome though!!!! Beautiful. It's amazing how far it's come.

(kitchen before) (kitchen before) (view of kitchen from LR before)

AFTER:

As I look back on this past year, as January 17, 2010 will mark my one year anniversary on O'ahu. If I'm honest I'm filled with a bit of frustration in that I'm still battling certain 'demons' despite my willingness to grow, change, let go. This has been a tough year (moving, quit job(s), left family / friends), an amazing year (married to an amazing man, husband, person and friend whom I continue to learn and grow from not to forget laugh with DAILY); a year filled with a couple unexpected surprises (what? TWINS?), a year of sadness and loss (you know who you are and my heart aches for you daily), a year of worry over the health and safety of loved ones (ahem,....DAD!), a year of joy (birth of Olivia my new niece) and a year of fear (excited to meet the babies but terrified about being a 'mom' and all that comes with it.)

I'm trying to be patient with myself as I know I have a tendency (or so I'm told) to be a bit stubborn but am trying to be open, accepting and come to a place of peace here on O'ahu. I'm trying....really I am. Our lives are about to be forever changed in unspeakable ways and I am hopeful I can create a safe, positive haven for our family to thrive in.

As the holidays approach I find myself in a mode of 'reflection' as another year comes to a close. I am a bit more full of angst this year as my body continues to rage from all the pregnancy hormones and as I close in on 32 weeks. A twins statistic keeps popping in my head, '50% of all twins are delivered between 34 - 37 weeks.' Gulp. I mean feasibly two weeks from now (or tomorrow, or the next day or next month) the girls could decide to make their appearance despite what we think is best. (Lesson #1 in parenthood I suppose..) Our goal is to get to 37 weeks, the week of January 11, 2010...fingers, toes, legs crossed!

(12/08/09: 8 months pregnant experiencing Braxton Hicks after a not-so-smart 2 mile walk to watch surf championships!)

All in all, as I write and reflect back on all I've just written I'm a very lucky girl. Sure times are tight and we're feeling the pinch economically and things are about to get even more interesting but as I sit back, look down and around me I realize how very fortunate I am. Sometimes simplistic gratitude gets lost on me and I get bogged down in all of life's little annoyances, hiccups or life lessons. Perhaps my new year's resolution will be to try and truly live like the fortunate individual I am...

Happy and safe holidays to each and every one of you...all the best in 2010!

PS - I'd also like to give a special shout out to JA who has been there through all the ups, downs, ins and outs of this pregnancy and all that it entails. AIYA! Uncharted territory for BOTH of us. (Emotional roller coaster to say the LEAST!) Thank you for being patient, listening, understanding, attending numerous dr's appts and for sharing your thoughts with me...you are going to be a great dad...don't forget that! I'm grateful for you...I thank you!

Great Expectations.

Expectations. Life is full of them. Some expectations are glorious surprises that exceed our wildest dreams and some fall short. It's usually the ones that fall short that leave the deepest lasting impressions and the ones that for some reason we dwell on. How can one expect our friends to intuitively know when we need a note of encouragement or a phone call hello? That isn't a fair assessment of friendship. When we expect things to turn out a certain way and they don't; invariably we are set up for disappointment be it a job interview that doesn't land the job, how a significant other responds or doesn't to a situation or internally how we will handle that disappointment.

It's been almost three months since I've last sat at my computer to write in my blog. There has been plenty to write about but the words have failed me. I keep ruminating on why that is or what is scaring me into me into silence.

Life continues to be a challenge here on O'ahu and the island just recently made #1, edging out NY for the most expensive city to live in. I still have 'sticker shock' whenever I go to the grocery store and know that number will only rise as we prepare to welcome twin girls sometime early next year.

At almost 24 weeks along so far all looks great with A & B (the medical term for twins) and they are finally large enough to be felt moving all around jockeying for space within my belly. It's an absolutely surreal experience. I'm honored, humbled and amazed daily at what the body is capable of. It's truly a miracle - the conception and carrying of a child. (Or in our case children.) We were both overwhelmed, overjoyed, surprised and in shock when we heard about the news of twins but it is slowly starting to sink in.

I've had a great pregnancy thus far, not a day of nausea but the back pain I'm experiencing on behalf of a bulging belly and out of whack spine has proven to be quite painful. All in all they have been great 'kids' so far and I can only hope that carries forward through to life on the outside.

The hardest part I have to admit is emotionally wrapping my hands around this experience. It's incredibly hard to not have friends and family close to share in the daily changes, growth and movements. I am having to reconcile what I envisioned the experience would be like with what my reality is; which is ok, but a reconciliation process is an adjustment in itself. Everything happened so fast and so unexpectedly (twins!) and while I'm blessed at the outcome there is a period of adjustment that is necessary not to mention the need for a support group which I'm currently lacking here on O'ahu.

Future decisions are forever predicated on the lives of these two unborn girls and each decision made must take their best interest to heart. My happiness is tied to the happiness of my family and what is best for us; now as a family. I wish I could magically snap my fingers and make all our dreams come true but know and trust in time and with faith, they will. I have to believe that...

For now I will relish in the greatest expectation of all; the birth of our twin girls. I will try and take it one day at a time and not go down the list of 'what if's' or 'I wants' and be grateful for all I have, here and now.

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle. Anais Nin

Living in the moment...that is the toughest part of life; for me anyway. I find myself constantly thinking about 'what's next?' and losing the moment I have here and now. I have tried yoga, some meditation and staring at the ocean to 'calm my mind' but it's tough for me!!! Anais Anin is one of my favorites and I find this quote of hers quite pivotal at this moment in my life.

Things are bit chaotic here, the kitchen remodel is in full swing meaning no floor, cabinets, water, etc...it will be beautiful once complete and it's been fun watching all the hard work and labor come to fruition.

I'm still without a job and to be honest the frustration is wearing on me; daily. I know the economy is tough and getting worse but after numerous interviews, call-backs and specially made trips to said company I find myself questioning my past experience and merit. I am trying not to let it drain my self esteem but it's such a discouraging time and financially coming from a dual family income down to one has been extremely challenging. I know my story sounds just like many other families across America and I do thank God everyday I have running water and a roof over my head as I've seen several stories about the new face of poverty being once middle income families who now have to separate and live in shelters or in make shift tents. I am trying to be resilient and focus on moving forward and just aching for 'that break' I need to prove to an employer I am worthy...just give me a shot!

Life continues to throw curve balls and repeatedly I ask myself, 'seriously?' but I know God doesn't give us anything he doesn't think we're strong enough to handle. I'm only one person, how can I handle all this and do so with style and grace? It's an exciting, daunting, trying, scary, wonderful time and how we handle it and rise through it all as a family is what the 'good' stuff is made of. It's not through times of laughter and happiness how a family, a couple copes, progresses and moves forward together, but it's in times of turmoil, strife, trouble and woe that truly defines a persons character, relationship and maturity.

So when I try and think, worry, ponder, dream, vision the future I honestly and truly try to stop and 'take pause' and live in this one moment for how can I predict my future when the last year of my life has been an adventure I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams?

All I can do and control at this moment (for the most part) is how I respond to adversity, situations and whatever life may throw at me. I'm not perfect; so far from it, thank God for it means I have so much for living and learning to do.

One thing I can promise is the next year is shaping up to be just as wild (if not more), fulfilling, crazy and amazing than the last.

Time to hang on tight and enjoy the ride....