Lost and Found

So it's been a while since I've posted let alone 'reached out'.  Part of me feels as if I've been treading water the last 14 months at times even holding my breath hoping I don't drown.

When I think about life three short years ago and all the changes that have ensued it's no wonder I felt a bit overwhelmed.  Quitting job of almost 10 years, leaving Seattle, moving to Hawaii, marriage, having twins and moving to Maryland all the while having no resources, friends, nor family to help ease the transition, any transition.

I'm a creature of habit, so moving as such and having such instability in life has rocked me to the core to say the least.  I also realize I NEED GIRLFRIENDS and not only those who I love and adore from days, years past, but girlfriends whom I can interact with daily, in person, share stories, commiserate, support, laugh and drink wine with.

It has been a big gaping hole in my life the last few years and I find myself in a pickle.  I am old(er), don't have time for highschool drama and have become a transplant baby so fitting in and finding friends is tough the older we become in life.  Making friends came so easy earlier in life and now I find myself having to repeatedly go out of my comfort zone and going so far as to accosting a lady at a nearby park and asking her if she wanted a 'play date.'  (She being a new MD resident herself, eagerly agreed thank God.)  It's almost like 'dating' again - which we all I know I hated! :)

Lesson one: I need to get back out there.  I love and miss my childhood, gradeschool, highschool, college and works friends.   I love knowing time, space and distance can pass and we pick up like we've been in contact for years, no judgments, no criticism, just comfort and the knowledge 'they are there.'  However, despite all that, they are miles away with their lives, loves and responsibilities and while I cannot and should not ask for more I have found what I'm missing.  I am missing the hugs, the face-to-face conversation, the mani's and pedi's, the exercising, the wine drinking, the play dates (now), and just 'being there' at a moments notice for someone should I be sick, JA out of town or in need of a friend.  I know I am not meant to be alone on this planet and need to find and cultivate my relationships again. I need to build my a new network, resources, a family, a support system.   I have been broken down into so many pieces and have had to rebuild on my own or with JA's help (which I know is not his comfort zone) and having those relationships in my life is key to my happiness and succes.

Lesson two: Easier said than done.  I did what I always said I'd never do.  I lost myself to babies.  I don't regret it for 5 seconds but I have given everything I have to R and H for the last 14 months that I left nothing for myself, husband, dog, etc.  I finally feel they have a great foundation and after extreme bouts of exhaustion, (depression?), angst, lethargy, happiness, fear, sadness, euphoria, etc I am able to see the light and find some time for me.  I know all the cliches 'you can't give from an empty well' etc...but it just happened.  I am fiercely protective and want the BEST childhood for them as any parent would and well just became consumed and forgot who I was (who Jeremy and I were) pre-babies which can be as detrimental to their upbringing as it would be if I left them so it's time to loosen the reigns a bit....as hard as it will be...it's time.  Again; easier said than done but I'm trying.

Lesson three: home is where you make it.  This is a hard one as my 'home' has always been full of photos, artifacts, personal belongings and the comforts I use to create a sanctuary.  Well living here, in Towson, in temporary housing has been anything but a sanctuary which is probably why I haven't written.  Life is hard here.  All of our stuff is in storage somewhere here (we hope) and are living with 4 spoons, 4 forks, 4 knives, 4 cups etc...We are on the third floor in an apartment which means anytime JA isn't around I have to load up the kids in the stroller and take them down to let the dog out.  We have received numerous noise complaints due to kids feet running amok all the while we hear noise up above until 10 pm.  (R & H go down by 6 and aren't up until 6 so their noise is only during waking hours) meanwhile with with us we hear noise all night long.  I have actually taken to wearing earplugs to bed!  We are located next to a college so we hear partying non-stop, have people parking drunkingly all over the streets and leaving stray crystal encrusted thongs along the walkway.  Awesome.  Even in my wild days at U of O I had the courtesy, decency and morales instilled in me to behave properly vs. screaming at the top of my voice to an apartment that clearly isn't answering.  I have tried to create a home here, for the girls and they seem to be thriving among it all.  JA and I try to remain positive in their presence and laugh when possible which is often with them as of late; thank God for that.
I yearn for the day when we open up those boxes and I can cook a good meal, smell a soft towel, let the dog out to pee, have the girls run on grass in an area that isnt taken over by dog poop and syringes and hear NOTHING at night or when the girls are trying to nap.  It's been such a good lesson in being thankful and grateful for housing.  To us it's temporary (an offer is in as we speak and I'm trying to not get my hopes up but it's hard) while for many this is a permanent.  I could go and on and on but why bother waste my energy....

So those are my lessons as of late. I'm sorry if I haven't responded, written, called back or been 'present'. I'm trying to take care of myself, my family and put one foot in front of the other.  It's easier said that done but I'm resilient.  I will survive as will JA, R, H and Maddie....

More to come...