“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”

The title is quite apropos as I enter my third trimester with the twins and have begun to focus on all things 'babies' or at least try to...true to form we are in the midst of another house remodel / demolition / carpet rip up, of the upstairs this time, which is prohibiting progress on a nursery however I have come to peace with this aspect knowing that they are not going to care nor notice what their nursery looks like the first few months of life as they will be sleeping, eating and pooping solely according to the nurse in our Infant Care class, so I say demolish away.

IN PROGRESS:

(master bath where tub /shower used to be) (master bath where vanity/sink used to be)

*The house looks pretty friggin' awesome though!!!! Beautiful. It's amazing how far it's come.

(kitchen before) (kitchen before) (view of kitchen from LR before)

AFTER:

As I look back on this past year, as January 17, 2010 will mark my one year anniversary on O'ahu. If I'm honest I'm filled with a bit of frustration in that I'm still battling certain 'demons' despite my willingness to grow, change, let go. This has been a tough year (moving, quit job(s), left family / friends), an amazing year (married to an amazing man, husband, person and friend whom I continue to learn and grow from not to forget laugh with DAILY); a year filled with a couple unexpected surprises (what? TWINS?), a year of sadness and loss (you know who you are and my heart aches for you daily), a year of worry over the health and safety of loved ones (ahem,....DAD!), a year of joy (birth of Olivia my new niece) and a year of fear (excited to meet the babies but terrified about being a 'mom' and all that comes with it.)

I'm trying to be patient with myself as I know I have a tendency (or so I'm told) to be a bit stubborn but am trying to be open, accepting and come to a place of peace here on O'ahu. I'm trying....really I am. Our lives are about to be forever changed in unspeakable ways and I am hopeful I can create a safe, positive haven for our family to thrive in.

As the holidays approach I find myself in a mode of 'reflection' as another year comes to a close. I am a bit more full of angst this year as my body continues to rage from all the pregnancy hormones and as I close in on 32 weeks. A twins statistic keeps popping in my head, '50% of all twins are delivered between 34 - 37 weeks.' Gulp. I mean feasibly two weeks from now (or tomorrow, or the next day or next month) the girls could decide to make their appearance despite what we think is best. (Lesson #1 in parenthood I suppose..) Our goal is to get to 37 weeks, the week of January 11, 2010...fingers, toes, legs crossed!

(12/08/09: 8 months pregnant experiencing Braxton Hicks after a not-so-smart 2 mile walk to watch surf championships!)

All in all, as I write and reflect back on all I've just written I'm a very lucky girl. Sure times are tight and we're feeling the pinch economically and things are about to get even more interesting but as I sit back, look down and around me I realize how very fortunate I am. Sometimes simplistic gratitude gets lost on me and I get bogged down in all of life's little annoyances, hiccups or life lessons. Perhaps my new year's resolution will be to try and truly live like the fortunate individual I am...

Happy and safe holidays to each and every one of you...all the best in 2010!

PS - I'd also like to give a special shout out to JA who has been there through all the ups, downs, ins and outs of this pregnancy and all that it entails. AIYA! Uncharted territory for BOTH of us. (Emotional roller coaster to say the LEAST!) Thank you for being patient, listening, understanding, attending numerous dr's appts and for sharing your thoughts with me...you are going to be a great dad...don't forget that! I'm grateful for you...I thank you!

Great Expectations.

Expectations. Life is full of them. Some expectations are glorious surprises that exceed our wildest dreams and some fall short. It's usually the ones that fall short that leave the deepest lasting impressions and the ones that for some reason we dwell on. How can one expect our friends to intuitively know when we need a note of encouragement or a phone call hello? That isn't a fair assessment of friendship. When we expect things to turn out a certain way and they don't; invariably we are set up for disappointment be it a job interview that doesn't land the job, how a significant other responds or doesn't to a situation or internally how we will handle that disappointment.

It's been almost three months since I've last sat at my computer to write in my blog. There has been plenty to write about but the words have failed me. I keep ruminating on why that is or what is scaring me into me into silence.

Life continues to be a challenge here on O'ahu and the island just recently made #1, edging out NY for the most expensive city to live in. I still have 'sticker shock' whenever I go to the grocery store and know that number will only rise as we prepare to welcome twin girls sometime early next year.

At almost 24 weeks along so far all looks great with A & B (the medical term for twins) and they are finally large enough to be felt moving all around jockeying for space within my belly. It's an absolutely surreal experience. I'm honored, humbled and amazed daily at what the body is capable of. It's truly a miracle - the conception and carrying of a child. (Or in our case children.) We were both overwhelmed, overjoyed, surprised and in shock when we heard about the news of twins but it is slowly starting to sink in.

I've had a great pregnancy thus far, not a day of nausea but the back pain I'm experiencing on behalf of a bulging belly and out of whack spine has proven to be quite painful. All in all they have been great 'kids' so far and I can only hope that carries forward through to life on the outside.

The hardest part I have to admit is emotionally wrapping my hands around this experience. It's incredibly hard to not have friends and family close to share in the daily changes, growth and movements. I am having to reconcile what I envisioned the experience would be like with what my reality is; which is ok, but a reconciliation process is an adjustment in itself. Everything happened so fast and so unexpectedly (twins!) and while I'm blessed at the outcome there is a period of adjustment that is necessary not to mention the need for a support group which I'm currently lacking here on O'ahu.

Future decisions are forever predicated on the lives of these two unborn girls and each decision made must take their best interest to heart. My happiness is tied to the happiness of my family and what is best for us; now as a family. I wish I could magically snap my fingers and make all our dreams come true but know and trust in time and with faith, they will. I have to believe that...

For now I will relish in the greatest expectation of all; the birth of our twin girls. I will try and take it one day at a time and not go down the list of 'what if's' or 'I wants' and be grateful for all I have, here and now.

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle. Anais Nin

Living in the moment...that is the toughest part of life; for me anyway. I find myself constantly thinking about 'what's next?' and losing the moment I have here and now. I have tried yoga, some meditation and staring at the ocean to 'calm my mind' but it's tough for me!!! Anais Anin is one of my favorites and I find this quote of hers quite pivotal at this moment in my life.

Things are bit chaotic here, the kitchen remodel is in full swing meaning no floor, cabinets, water, etc...it will be beautiful once complete and it's been fun watching all the hard work and labor come to fruition.

I'm still without a job and to be honest the frustration is wearing on me; daily. I know the economy is tough and getting worse but after numerous interviews, call-backs and specially made trips to said company I find myself questioning my past experience and merit. I am trying not to let it drain my self esteem but it's such a discouraging time and financially coming from a dual family income down to one has been extremely challenging. I know my story sounds just like many other families across America and I do thank God everyday I have running water and a roof over my head as I've seen several stories about the new face of poverty being once middle income families who now have to separate and live in shelters or in make shift tents. I am trying to be resilient and focus on moving forward and just aching for 'that break' I need to prove to an employer I am worthy...just give me a shot!

Life continues to throw curve balls and repeatedly I ask myself, 'seriously?' but I know God doesn't give us anything he doesn't think we're strong enough to handle. I'm only one person, how can I handle all this and do so with style and grace? It's an exciting, daunting, trying, scary, wonderful time and how we handle it and rise through it all as a family is what the 'good' stuff is made of. It's not through times of laughter and happiness how a family, a couple copes, progresses and moves forward together, but it's in times of turmoil, strife, trouble and woe that truly defines a persons character, relationship and maturity.

So when I try and think, worry, ponder, dream, vision the future I honestly and truly try to stop and 'take pause' and live in this one moment for how can I predict my future when the last year of my life has been an adventure I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams?

All I can do and control at this moment (for the most part) is how I respond to adversity, situations and whatever life may throw at me. I'm not perfect; so far from it, thank God for it means I have so much for living and learning to do.

One thing I can promise is the next year is shaping up to be just as wild (if not more), fulfilling, crazy and amazing than the last.

Time to hang on tight and enjoy the ride....

"When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' " - Unknown

Two months, 6 interviews and my past professional experience shared ump-teen times and still no job...what I was thought was going in a positive direction turned out to be yet another symptom of the economy. A job I was interviewing for and was told was going to be hired for, at the last minute was closed due to budget constraints.

First upon hearing this I got angry, frustrated and tears sprang to my eyes but remembered it is my decision to decided how to respond. They may not have been able to hire me but they sure couldn't take my determination or spirit.

Plus I met some great people while interviewing and two women with whom I'm going to actually meet up with for coffee. I may not have gotten the job out of the 'process' but I gained a friend which is equally as valuable.

The longer I stay unemployed the more fearful I become but I'm trying to channel that fear elsewhere and be more productive. It is hard to not sit and stew or worry or even worse feel sorry for yourself but trying to take the perspective that this time of unemployment may not last forever and I should try and soak it up for all its worth. I just so wish I had the DNA to sit on the couch and eat bon bons while watching the soaps, but alas i don't...product of my mother I suppose. (Love you mom) :)

We are also going through a major home transformation...Jeremy is trying to 'give me a home'. He and a friend have done all the demo work on the kitchen and bathrooms, knocking out walls, rewiring electrical, putting in can lighting, re-drywalling, etc...and I cannot tell you how impressed I am by him. Not only is he doing it all with his bare hands, he does it with a laugh, a smile and an attitude to be admired.

We are living in a bit of chaos and dust at the moment, but for those who have seen the house before, to see the walls down in the kitchen, to feel the openness and air that now flows through is amazing. It is going to be beautiful when it's all said and done. I couldn't be more proud of Jeremy in not only having the knowledge to do all this demo work but in wanting to make this a 'home', 'our home.' For that Jeremy, THANK YOU. It isn't the colors, the curtains, the flooring or cabinets that will make this 'our' home it's your big heart.

I was able to get to Seattle for a wee bit to see my family and while dad was still pale (recovering from the severe blood loss) and still a bit fatigued his humor was intact which is always a good sign. He is still suffering from sciatica which is a bit better after the cortisone shot but still has a way to go. June 01 are some scoping procedures to gather some cells and analyze where we are with Barrett's Syndrome. Positive thoughts and prayers. I just want him healthy again. My mom also has a torn rotater cuff and is a lot of pain as well. She is trying physical therapy but it's not helping much and she, like my father (sorry mom) is too stubborn to explore arthroscopic surgery. I am hopeful the PT will work and / or that she will see some relief soon. I hate seeing her wince or feel like the wind has been knocked out of her when she goes to lift open the car door or grab for something. Makes me wish I could suck all her pain away ala Edward in Twilight. :)

Being so far away makes me feel so helpless but I am thankful, so thankful for my baby brother (who is not so much a baby anymore) who has stepped into the role of 'caretaker' and is doing one of the most amazing jobs I have seen. I couldn't be more proud of my brother. He has been there for my parents every step of the way through this last ordeal and as I mentioned kept me abreast of what was going on even during my moments of frustration. As he prepares to become a father, to have a child of his own I am convinced without a doubt he is going to be one of the best father's around. I am honored to be your sister Andrew and thank you for taking care of our parents and being there when we all needed you most. You are my hero and I know mom and dad couldn't be more proud of you, their son. Always know that....

In love,

Lara

'You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.' -- Desmond Tutu

My dad, Sat. April 25

This post is in dedication to my wonderful, amazing family, who humbles me with their 'greatness.'

Last Friday night as some of you may or may not know at our urgence, my dad was admitted to a hospital in Seattle. For those who know my father understand he appears to be this giant, looming, scary creature of few words but to those who know him best, this is all a facade for he is a gentle giant, with a huge heart and determination (and or what we like to call stubbornness.) Dad is extremely stubborn! For weeks he has been ill with a sciatica and had been taking Advil (copious amounts) as well as a whole host of other pain medications to try and alleviate his severe back pain.

He had grown accustomed to sleeping 2 - 3 hours a night, vertical, in a chair due to the pain and seldom walking anywhere if not a dire need as the only comfort he found was in sitting.

Monday April 20, my dad received a cortisone shot for his sciatica in hopes of finally finding some relief. Days went on and dad's condition seemed to worsen. He became extremely pale, yellow almost, was dizzy, lightheaded, not eating and a bit incoherent. My mom and I at this point were talking hourly about what she should do. He refused to go to the MD or hospital as he was convinced this was a reaction to the cortisone shot. (Again, stubborn!)

Meanwhile my mom and I googled cortisone shots, called nurses and sought out advice. (Which by the way none of them mentioned the symptoms he had as a side affect.) One does not want to panic, but I told my mom, 'Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right - do something. People have gone to the hospital for lesser things.'

About 6pm Friday night PST, I got a call from my brother and mother all at once that 'dad was looking worse, incoherent and completely out of it...had thrown up in my mom's car while on his way home from work.' That was it. We were done. At our behest and desperate pleas dad decided it was time to go to the hospital. I think he knew he was very, very sick.

As you can imagine, being as close to my family as I am and currently 3,000 miles away made me feel helpless, inadequate, lost and sad all at once. I was the one who used to be there to take care of my parents if anything arose. What was I too do now? What could I do now from so far away?

Upon being admitted to the hospital and after what seemed like HOURS of testing dad was admitted to ICU. His blood sugar levels were through the roof, his creatin levels off the charts and he had lost half his blood! He was bleeding internally. Half his blood...gone.

The MD's told him he almost died...had he waited any longer the consequences might have been more severe. My brother and mother saved his life. They diligently called me every 10, 15, 20 mins. with updates. I was glued to my phone and afraid to even go to the bathroom or change rooms for fear of losing a connection.

Dad was immediately given a blood transfusion that would last through the night. We still had no idea where the blood loss was coming from and were all on pins and needles awaiting any sort of diagnosis.

This moment, the breath I breathed, these conversations I had seemed like a 'dream, a nightmare rather.' I went into fight or flight mode and vowed I would not break down, cry, lose it or think anything but positive thoughts. I had to put the 'good out there.' This was something I could do 3,000 miles away.

Sleep didn't come easily and I feared the phone ringing late at night. Saturday after a battery of more tests, a GI probe of his intestines and stomach they had found dad has a very rare syndrome called Barrett's Esophageal in conjunction with a bleeding ulcer due to a combination of his coumadin and Advil but more importantly that he was going to be ok...

I felt such a relief, a wave of emotion washed over me and I finally let the tears fall. Moments like these define a family. My family rallied together. My sister dropped everything and drove to Seattle to be with my family, my brother guided my mom and dad to the hospital, stayed with dad, kept me up to constant date on his condition and made sure dad was getting the best care possible.

Often times families fight over silly things, or siblings hold grudges or even go years and lifetimes without talking to one another but they also, as mine did, prove to me how very lucky and fortunate I am to be considered 'one of them.' They make me proud and honored. This was one of the most emotional, difficult times we have faced as a family and we did with grace and with love for one another.

Dad is home now. He will continue to get tests to ensure his levels are headed in the right direction and discuss treatment / next steps for Barrett's Syndrome. He is still weak and recovering from such severe blood loss and probably wont be back at work for a bit but continues to get stronger with each day.

I thank you all for your calls, emails, comments and shared stories...it meant the world to me. For a moment, those 3,000 miles didn't feel so far away and for that I thank you.

Family, I'LL SEE YOU SOON!!! Kiss to dad.

The time to be happy is now...the place to be happy is here. - Ingersoll

A wise, wonderful woman sent me this quote in a card (my mama) and I have really tried to take it to heart.

It has been tough, yes even in 'paradise' to try and find and forge my way. My life has been completely turned upside down and inside out. As most of you know, change has not always been a forte of mine (well I used to pretty much hate it) but now I have come to understand it and respect it and see it for all it's beautiful possibilities...

I feel like I am finally coming up for a air - able to navigate my way around the island, have had interviews with two companies I'd enjoy working for and have even been contracting as a dog walker / boarder for dogwalker etc. My first client (ahem) is Yogi a 110lb. 1 year old Rottweiler and man....he is a love. I mean he stands on his back hind legs and wraps me in a big bear hug. He 'herds' me down the stairs trying to bite my ankles and he slobbers profusely all over me...(eck.) Usually it's him taking me for a walk but he's provided me some new perspective in how truly blessed I am in my girl Maddie...she is simply the best!

Time is truly flying by so I need to remind myself things will turn around, we are 'making' it and to try and enjoy these times...it is amazing how fast the days go actually and how productive I've been in creating a home out of this house. I have finally added some touches that feel like me and it feels great to be able to call it my 'home.'

Everyday is a new day. A new possibility. Of course we will all have moments or days where we feel kicked in the gut, down or out but knowing another day lies ahead brings me peace and promise. I am 'making my way here' and as simple as that sounds, it feels really good...I still have met few women friends I connect with which is extremely tough for me as my women relationships were / are my life but am confident those relationships will come when I get a job and forge more connections here on the island.

For now. Today is a good day. The sun is out. I have my health, husband (whom has been MIA as of late due to work, more on that later), friends and family who are only a phone call or click away...the mind is a powerful force and we are capable of infinite things if we believe it to be...today; I'm happy...

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

I keep staring at this paperweight that says 'what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?' It's such an easy question to ask but much tougher to answer. I spend about 10 minutes a day trying to clear my head of all the clutter to try and answer that question but nothing earth shattering has come as of yet. Perhaps I already did it? Married, quit Starbucks and moved to Hawaii all within in months of one another?

Going on almost three months on O'ahu wich is hard to fathom. I'm still struggling along with millions of others to find a job but making progress as I have received a few call backs and even an interview! Now that is something. It's amazing what perspective one can gain from being on the 'otherside' of the employment track. What we used to take for granted or advantage of. It's been a rewarding lesson in humility and determination.

Had a great Easter spent on the beach with Maddie and Jeremy at our favorite beach mere minutes from the house. Maddie has been pounded by the waves one too many times which definitley contributed to her timidness in the ocean yesterday. She would wait for the stick to come to her via the waves vs. tackling them like she used to. Smart girl she is...

A dear friend of mine lost one of her dogs recently and it again made me take pause and realize how lucky I am to have Mads and to enjoy each moment with her....life is short so play hard!

Hope this post finds you all well....much love.

Hawai'i - A history lesson...

Here is my first installment of weekly updates starting 18 February...

I met with a wonderful recruiter yesterday. She was so sweet and very complimentary surrounding my background. She took time to find out what I did at Starbucks (where I worked while in Seattle. Corporate headquarters for 10 years), what I want to do and where my passion lies. While 'nothing' is a match as of yet, she will keep me posted and I'm crossing my fingers and toes something will come sooner than later...she did mention six months ago I would have been snatched up in a heart beat but companies are downsizing, doing more with less and not hiring which is no surprise... Speaking of the recruiter, I also received a bit of a history lesson from her, Hawaii is a 'foreign land'....sounds a bit weird but it is. While meeting with the recruiter I also asked her why salaries here are so low, (lower than average) given the cost of living is so high!

She is from Hawaii but left to live on the mainland for a while so she is a wealth of knowledge in both Hawaii and mainland practices. Most people in Hawaii live with their families. It is not uncommon for kids to get married and live with their parents, auntie or cousins...unlike on the mainland where most kids are out at 18 (or sooner), here in Hawaii families live together until the parents die and the cycle continues. They don't do 'nursing homes' or daycare as its the families responsibility so companies can afford to be cheaper in salaries. It's such a dichotomy as food is so expensive here as is housing but yet salaries are almost 1/3 of mainland standards. It's been such an interesting learning process. Many of JA's friends do live with their parents or inlaws and all their children....I thought it odd but now find it quite endearing. A place where I used to once vacation and know for it's beautiful beaches and sunny weather has now become so much more to me.

My recruiter also told me that many local businesses fear hiring 'haoles' for they take the time, money and energy to train them and they up and leave shortly back to the mainland for they have island fever or a better opportunity. That Christie (my recruiter) explained will be my toughest challenge...to convince these businesses I am sincere in my convictions here and have made Hawai'i my home...While they love the experience haoles bring they fear being taken advantage of and that I can completely understand as since even my short time here I've seen people come and go constantly!

I'm also reading the book Moloka'i. It's about the leper colony that started here in the 1800's and how people, kids, etc, were banished to Moloka'i for quarantine. Heartbreaking book! It also has provided me with a historical background surrounding Hawai'i and the turmoil that has plagued this island for years re: haoles (white visitors / white people who came here and took the land). I have been called a haole on numerous occasions but not in derogatory way from JA's friends, in jest...true translation means 'visitor'. I have been given the occasional stink eye from some local serious surfers when me the beginner has interruptted their wave but pay no mind, smile and move on....I mean don't we all meet 'bitter, mean or unhappy people' anyway, its not relegated to Hawai'i...

Hawaiians are fiercely loyal people and it's so amazing to experience the connection, respect and adoration they have for one another. This book is fascinating for as I drive around Honolulu and try to gather my bearings I see street signs, volcano's and parks that have so much more meaning to me now. Many of the younger generation harbor no ill will to haoles but you can still find the occasional resentful Hawaiian who is holding on to past demons from a time where visitors to this island came and snatched up land, made condos, tore down landmarks and did so without even a thought for those around them, who made this island what it is.... Aloha Spirit - it's what Hawai'i is known for....it's kindness, generosity and caring for one another...it's also about taking it slow....and I mean slow.

Even in the 'corporate' world here they do things MUCH SLOWER. My recruiter told me 'it seems you thrive in a fast paced, multi-tasked environment' (which is not abnormal on the mainland or globally) but in Hawai'i it's much different....they drive slower, they arrive 'whenever.' See you at 11-ish is very common. As someone who is extremely punctual this has been a good lesson for me in stopping to just let time happen like they do....they don't see it as rude to be late (for it's not late when you don't really set a time) nor egotistical, they just accept it. There are many reasons for it....most roads are ONE LANE so traffic is horrendous and getting to and fro can be a challenge and tricky when trying to time something especially when you throw in all the tourists driving around here.... I have experienced the Aloha Spirit in many ways so far...just yesterday as I was contemplating how many hours I'd need for parking as I had already got a parking once, a man came up to me and said, 'hey do you want my ticket? It doesn't expire until 12.' It was only 945 am....Parking is so expensive here, $8.00 for every hour so I immediately said, 'yes please, thank you'....and was just filled with sunshine to see people so generous and 'paying it forward like that.'

Makes me realize good things do still happen and good people do exist despite all the 'golden parachutes, corporate wrong-doing's and layoffs....' We are also very fortunate to have kind neighbors. Once neighbor Maddie has taken an exceptional liking to is Dave...he lives three houses down and has two dogs; Scout who is 5 and Blue who is 8 months...both white labs and so cute. Maddie loves, loves, loves playing with them and running all over the golf course with them. Dave works from home so on occasions when JA and I aren't here he swings over and takes Maddie back to his house. We still worry about Mads a bit as the weather is hotter than usual for her and if we're gone for long periods of time for work or traveling, etc....it's nice to know she is in great hands and she loves him! I hope all is well with you and yours...i miss you all to pieces and think of you often....keep in touch! Come visit. Warmest Aloha,